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Peven's Tower

Eyes full of the Sun, Eyes full of Wings

1/16/09 06:09 pm

so much to say...

10/23/08 11:40 pm - testing

i know i dont post much but has anyone from facebook even looked at this?

5/8/08 01:47 am

been having odd dreams recently. i mean theyre usually strange, but recently ive been remembering them more, and they are longer and just even more out there. like sunday i awoke thinking i had been doing some kind of drugs in my dream, and that my boss (from the job i quit ages ago) had decided that they were gonna do random drug tests that same week. so i was freaking out cuz i had just snorted coke or something (in my dream! if youre reading this you should know why i would never do drugs...). and then the part of the dream before that was something to do with emilys brothers. they were here to run bloomsday in her memory (like they do every year w/their dad) and i got to spend all day saturday just chillin w/them, it was excellent. so i mean logically it makes sense that i would dream about them that night.
but i think even if i could record all my dreams exactly after waking, there would still remain some indescribable quality of weirdness that i could never get right with words.
meh......

4/9/08 10:01 pm - woah...

... its been a very long time since ive posted. theres plenty going on, such as school and turning 29 (ahh!!), but i just dont feel any need to write about things anymore these days. neither have i been writing in my paper journal anything substantial. some days i just feel like im waiting for the time to pass til i get to live my real life, like what im really meant to be doing. guh, that doesnt sound right, but im too lazy tonite to try and find better words to explain it.

11/17/07 01:36 am - dr who?

rose: I see everything. All that is, all that was, all that ever could be. (...) You are tiny. I can see the whole of time and space, every single atom of your existence, and I divide them.
----------------------------------------------
The Doctor: I can bring down your government with a single word.
Harriet: You're the most remarkable man I've ever met. But I don't think you're quite capable of of that.
The Doctor: No, you're right. Not a single word. Six.
Harriet: Stop it.
The Doctor: Six words.
Harriet: Stop.
The Doctor to Alex: Don't you think she looks tired?
----------------------------------------------




..... these gave me chills when i watched.

10/17/07 06:34 pm - nomenclature

raederle --
[noun]:

A poltergeist sent back in time to change the course of history forever
'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

9/28/07 01:34 am - briefly

(retrieved from my other journal)
wowsers, i seem to be neglecting this journal. then again ive been neglecting my paper journal as well over the summer, so ... meh. the summer was long and lonely, im glad its over.
i wanted to make sure i posted tho, cuz good things have been happening, and i just want to have a record that my life is actually good at this point in time. calculus is giving my trouble, but if i actually did my homework i think i would get it better. i love chemistry lab, so much fun playing around and mixing things in test tubes! and im taking a basic fitness class, i can feel the muscles in my legs again! i used to have great legs from riding my bike all the time when i was younger, so its good to be getting that back.
and church is awesome, as always. so many good things. especially my endowment. (sigh) but i havent been to the temple in almost 2 months, and i can really feel a difference. aside from that, ive been a ward missionary for several months now. ive participated in discussions with 2 different girls who were both baptized, it was really neat. and ive become pretty good friends with one of them, so now i have 2 close friends at church :) oh, thats one good thing that happened over the summer, i had chances to hang out with SBC frequently, and i think she is the best friend ive had in quite a while.

9/16/07 06:16 pm - life

guard: are you making fun of me?
detective: it is the universe that makes fun of us all.
partner: why would the universe make fun of us all?
detective: maybe its insecure...

8/18/07 01:49 pm

aww... its marching band practice season.
im at work with the windows open and i can hear the drumline off in the distance. (sigh) makes me all nostalgic...

5/14/07 08:15 pm - moms day

i apologize, i was so wrapped up in my own concerns that i forgot to wish certain ladies a happy mothers day. you know i love you guys, and think of you more often than i get to talk to any of you.

4/1/07 01:31 am - no, not an april fools joke

(retrived from my other journal)
guh, the drama...
here i am, on the eve of spring quarter, 20 credits looming over my head. plenty of stress in and of itself. so why do i always chose to create more drama? i had a random chance to see inside someones thoughts tonite, so i took it. just out of curiosity mind you, i dont go digging around peoples lives trying to uncover their deepest darkest secrets or trying to put myself at some unfair advantage over them. but i do occasionally wonder how other people think, tho mostly just what is their opinion of me. thus when i stumbled across such information tonite, i looked out of mild interest. what i got instead rather threw me. i was under the impression that this person didnt mind me, or maybe even that we were starting to become friends. we had an issue in the recent past, but i tried to clear up my side of the story. so i thought things were ok between us. now tho, im not so sure... but what really bugs me is that from the way this person treats me, i believed they had come to terms with or forgiven me for my supposed transgression. and im afraid now that their opinion of me (which could be based on faulty information) will infect others opinions or interactions or friendships with me. or to be more plain, im afraid that ill get an unfavorable reputation if this inaccuracy spreads. in one way i feel like an idiot cus ive always thought i didnt care about being 'popular'. but then again gossip spreads in YSA wards worse than an infectious disease, and new folks could be judging me for something they dont know anything about. i think ive always had a reputation of being 'nice' for lack of more descriptive terms. but now word could be quite the contrary, which really bothers me. and the fact that i seem to worry so much is a new phenomenon, i used to think i didnt care at all what other people thought of me. but now my reputation in the ward does actually matter, since thats where im guessing im supposed to meet my future husband. and i dont want him to judge me before he even meets me.

does that make sense??

1/25/07 01:28 am - whings and ramblings

(retrieved from my other journal)

guh, so much to say, so little time... or energy for that matter. so on jan. 3rd i started school again, and went back to work from christmas vacation. for the record it was a wed. by sat, i had a nasty flu bug, and i havent been able to shake it, being now 3 weeks later. sadly i know why, but i dont feel like i can do much about it. its cuz ive given up on having a car that works (oh yea, this time its the clutch AND the tranny) so im taking the bus. but this means i dont get home from work til about midnite, and have to get up by 930am to get to school ontime. maybe that doesnt sound too bad for some folks, but i seem to need at least 9 hours in bed to get enuf 'good' sleep. and of course when i get home at midnite, i cant just hop into bed and instantly fall asleep, lights out is generaly closer to 1am. the easy solution (in my mind) is to quit my job, cuz i waste so much of my time commuting, but im afraid to. its been my financial safety net for 7 years, and im afraid of falling behind on my debts and ruining my credit and being sent to collections, etc, etc. so i want to find something thats closer to my house, but im just too chicken to put in my notice. and now that ive written it down, it just sounds ridiculous. but thats how it is. but then again, something else crazy has happened. one of my roommates up and moved out on us, no notice or anything. apparently she was having 'financial troubles' due to her only having one PT job that must not have been giving her many hours. the thing that irks me the 2nd most is that she didnt even tell me to my face (since im the one in charge of collecting rent from everyone). obviously the most aggravating is that now were short one rent-payer. i dont even know what the 2 remaining roommates want to do, if they want to stay and look for another person, or if they want to just move out of the house and go their separate ways. i really dont want to hassle with moving again, especially in the middle of the school quarter. (facedesk) so it appears that my life is never going to reach a plateau of maintaining, where i can relax and not have to fight my way up some hill or another.

9/23/06 01:21 am

(retrived from my other journal)
just wanted to say that yes i am still alive :) life is interesting, i got into math 99 at SCC (aside: hooray! im im just as smart as i was 9 years ago!), and continue to meet really cool people at church. i have 3 roommates at my house, and we have a total of 3 pets :) (aside: kittens are soooo dang kyoot!!) umm... cant think of much else at the moment, so on to the funny! you Must look, i promise you will Really laugh at these!
http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/index.cgi
(try the links to digests or bestof)

6/8/06 10:33 am

quick update:
found a new place to live, the way it happened made it obvious to me that its where i need to be. got all moved just in time to fly to utah for my brothers HS graduation. saw feffer, dan, and mo (i miss mo!), grandparents, and other family while i was there. got back monday, did a little unpacking, and then it was back to work on tuesday. bleh, thats gonna take forever... unpacking i mean :) and ive been going to church again, ive met so many awesome ppl, i really want to make it stick this time.

5/9/06 11:21 pm - a bag miscellaneous of helplessness

my life has gone down the toilet and is stuck somewhere in the sewers, trying to get to the waste water treatment facility. and thats putting it mildly.
last thursday i woke up to something very scary and disturbing. first thing i noticed was that my sliding door was open a crack. i knew it had been closed when i went to bed. my eyes were immediately drawn to the window next to the door, and it occured to me that i was pretty sure i hadnt left the blinds open that much. then i noticed that the screen wasnt completely in place, and thats when my gaze turned to my puter desk and i see that my tower is missing. mind you, not the monitor nor any other peripherals, and the cables were all neatly unplugged. Thats when a freaked out. someone had come in thru my living room window because i hadnt put the bar in the track to keep it closed against such an intrusion. so i took a minute to get ahold of myself and catch my breath, then i called the police. the officer arrived promptly and took my statement, looked around inside and out, and said he would send someone to get the prints that were on the slider. as i was talking to him, i also noticed that really nothing else had been disturbed in my appt. they hadnt prowled thru my desk, or gone into the other bedroom (the empty one). they knew they wanted my puter, and didnt need any of its attachments. so 1st officer left to look around out in back, and i had to call some people including mom and nemorth. then the 2nd officer showed up, and took the prints. after he left i knew i would need some company so i started calling some ppl from church, cuz they are truly nice and would come visit anytime if i just asked. once i got ahold of someone and knew they were on their way over, i could calm down a little bit. so i decided to go check my mail. only i couldnt find my keyring. i searched for several minutes, thinking i must have misplaced them. then the awful realization dawned on me... they had taken my keys! i rushed out the front door, i was trying to deny the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. but the worst was confirmed when i got out to the parking lot and my car was nowhere to be seen. at this point in time, my brain just completely shut down, did not process the input it was receiving. so i went back inside, thinking to myself now what did i do last nite, where did i park my car? i even started looking for my keys again but that only lasted 1/2 a second before i had to go back out and reaffirm the previous information. my car was GONE and it was because the bastards waltzed rite out my front door w/my puter and keys in their hands and drove away in my car! so even if one of my neighbors had seen someone walking out that they didnt know, they would have thought nothing of it! (not to mention that i rarely see my neighbors, if at all.) needless to say i utterly broke down at that point in time. it took me at least 5 whole minutes to gain control of my sobs of despair to be able to call the police back to report my car missing. the same officer showed up again, and was very kind and sympathetic, saying it was sort of a slow day, and he hoped to have some free time to be able to work on this case (to paraphrase). so after most of the tears are dried up, i realize i need to call work. luckily it was my office day (i didnt have to do a caregiving shift), so it was ok that i didnt go in. i got to spend the day having people over to just visit, keep me company and keep my mind occupied. oh yeah, and luckily (tho very oddly) they didnt bother to paw thru my backpack (which i know my keys were rite next to) or they would have found my wallet. i could have lost all my credit cards and checks, etc. tho i didnt have any cash.

anyway, like i said, life has gone to SHIT in the past week, i NEEEEEEED to move out of this apartment AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE because im having trouble sleeping, and im so stressed that its screwing up my appetite (my brain knows that these are natural reactions to stress, so dont tell me its ok), and its just been put off for too long. like i posted a while ago, i KNEW i should have moved out back when i first said i would.
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